Why?

I'm really glad I had yesterday at Hanging Rock State Park (above) to be in the calm of the outdoor world amidst the serenity of nature because today has been awful.

This week, I talked to a counselor about my husband's actions. He assured me that my husband is never going to change and advised me to get divorced as quickly as possible. While that served to validate what I've already suspected, my heart still can't seem to catch up with my head. In my head, I accept that my husband is the 'Grand Manipulator' (as the psychologist called him) but my heart can't reconcile that with the gentle, kind man he showed himself to be to me for over a decade.

This week at CODA (Codependents Anonymous - OK, so I'm not anonymous but everyone else shall remain so!) someone asked how we deal with the question of "Why?" I ask 'why' in an attempt to try to figure out how I can regain control and fix the situation. Somehow, I think that by continually asking why my husband couldn't ever be faithful to me or why he feels no regret for the pain he caused me or why this had to happen to me when I didn't do anything to deserve it, I'm in control.

Even if I'm not consciously obsessing about these questions, they are almost always lurking at the back of my mind. Today, they were right at the surface. All my thoughts and energy were focused on pondering these questions so it took everything I had left to finally drag myself out of bed, take a shower and eat.

It's so hard for me to stop questioning my husband's actions but I'm having to learn to accept is the fact that I will most likely never really know or understand his behavior; I can only control me.

I still don't know all the answers even to my own whys, like why I find it so hard to let him go even after seeing love letters to another female in his own handwriting in our own house, or why I saw no red flags until it was too late but I'm working on channeling my energy into letting go of the 'whys' so I can better answer the 'whats.' What can I do to heal today? What will I choose to feel even when it seems there is no hope? What will I hang onto when the rest of life falls apart?

So far, I've wasted the day enmeshed and overwhelmed by the unanswerable whys. For the rest the day, I'm focusing on the whats. What can I do for myself? First, I choose to believe that I'm still because a Higher Power has a purpose for me. And second, I choose to enjoy life instead of wallowing in my misery. Instead of staying at home and moping the rest of the evening, I will go to a movie and participate in the world around me. Using my power to change my thoughts and my action is WHAT is going to get me through.

Until next week,
RJ